Part 3: Letters to My Sisters

 Dear Sisters,

In my last letter I talked about disproportionate and recurrent reactions (DRR) – what they are and how they are manifested in our lives. I also talked about my experiences of having a great many disproportionate and recurrent reactions prior to committing to my healing and growth journey in 1990. I was stuck in a suppression-rage-suppression cycle and I had absolutely no idea what was at the root of this behaviour. I did not make any connection between this cycle and my childhood experiences – the memories of which were mostly fragments and vague. I believed my DRR’s were “just me” and that I had no value as a person. In truth, my hope was not that I would be loved, as that seemed simply unattainable and highly unlikely. No, my hope was that I might be liked. My self-image was very negative and I felt thoroughly undeserving. I held a deep belief that if people really knew me they wouldn’t like me at all so I always tried to figure out what I thought people wanted me to be, and I’d try to be that person. I wore so many masks and spent my time switching masks, trying always to stay one step ahead so that I could present as likable, pleasing and agreeable.

What is significant in all this is the total disconnect between my childhood experiences and who I had become. It never even entered my mind that there might be a good reason why I was passive, anxious, always afraid of displeasing others, and intermittently filled with rage. Not only were most of my childhood memories vague and fragmented, they were always accompanied by a sensation that I was totally worthless and guilty, so I did not want to think about my past.

As I shared with you previously, as a child I had suffered deep humiliations and indignities and I had no idea that the outrage I repressed in childhood was the root cause of my rage as an adult. And that the rejection I experienced in childhood was the root cause of my inability to assert myself with anyone. I had done my best to repress it all so that I could keep going. Part of my survival was to put on an “I’m OK” face for the world and pretend to myself that everything was OK while I buried my real feelings. In childhood, the alternative to pretending I was OK would have been tragic because I blamed myself for not being lovable and good enough. I felt deep shame for being me. There were times during my childhood that I wanted to die. 

As an adult, prior my healing journey, I continued to live in this fog of non-awareness about who I was and why. I always had a strange sensation of needing to stay “one step ahead” so that I would not be found out; so that no one would discover that I was really rotten to the core. When I looked back later I realized how tiring this was and that it contributed to an underlying sensation of anxiety that permeated my adult life. How could I feel any peace or joy when this is how I lived?

Later, in social work I observed this phenomenon of non-awareness over and over. In talking with persons, I came to realize they didn’t know who they were and why. Most persons do not make any connection between their unacceptable, inappropriate and sometimes abusive behaviour, their sadness, depression, anger, low frustration tolerance, dependence on drugs or alcohol, and, what they experienced in childhood.

It is true that most people acknowledge they have “baggage” or “buttons”. However they don’t acknowledge, even to themselves, what that really means – that their baggage/buttons are emotional wounds. They don’t have any real understanding or awareness of what’s inside their emotional wounds and of the pain and toxins each wound carries. They don’t have any clear understanding of the relevance and significance their emotional wounds have on their current feelings, thoughts and actions, and on their relationships. There is a huge disconnect. Most people believe that their baggage is just part of who they are and they give no thought to how they accumulated this baggage and they never open the baggage to see what's inside.

We can never develop a healthy self-awareness if we don’t begin to make connections with the reasons for our emotional wounds and ensuing disproportionate reactions when our wounds are triggered. As self-awareness is essential for change, failing to make the connections leaves us in a fog about who we are and why, and unsuccessful in sustaining changes we try to make.

I must emphasize that looking inward to discover what we have repressed is not so that we can justify our behaviour, or blame our parents/childhood. It is so that we can begin to understand ourselves. There is no real sustainable change without understanding.

In my social work, when I suggested there could be a link between the parent’s current difficulties with their children, and their own childhood experiences (which the parent had just shared with me), some parents immediately denied any connection and went as far as to claim what they experienced in childhood was “not that bad”, or they say: "I don't let that bother me anymore". This is denial and it is very strong in some persons, and it is understandable.

Denial is a defense mechanism designed to keep the past hidden from our awareness so that we don’t have to feel the pain. To avoid facing ourselves, some of us indulge in compulsive behaviours:  we work too much, we strive for prestige in our social life or in the workplace at the expense of being true to ourselves and to those we love, we exercise too much, we eat too much and develop eating disorders, we consume too much alcohol, we use "recreational" drugs, we gamble, we shop, we become addicted to pornography or sex, we escape into excessive use of technology - anything that takes us away from facing our feelings and the loneliness that often accompanies facing the truth about ourselves. 

We should not be judged for being in denial. Denial was essential in order to survive during childhood, and we will break through our denial only when we are ready to face the truth about ourselves. Facing the truth can’t be rushed or forced. It has to come from within; from a deep aspiration to be happy, a deep longing and determination to change, a deep desire for wholeness that we sense will bring freedom and inner peace. And we need to be immersed in an environment that makes us feel safe to let go of denial and open ourselves up to the truth. The latter can be difficult to find and it is compounded by our fear of judgement if we open up to anyone.

As you can well imagine, having a social worker from Children’s Services investigating allegations of child abuse or neglect was not likely to make a parent feel safe. I was very aware of the limitations my role with Children’s Services placed on me and how it could, at times, thwart my desire to help persons face their inner reality – a reality that, to me, was clearly the root of their current problems.  

In my experience, a great many people want to dismiss their past as if it were not relevant or important. Some are afraid to look too closely into their inner world because they have an inkling that what they might find will be too much, so they don’t want to “open that can of worms”. Some are afraid to “speak ill” of their deceased or ageing parents. 

While subconscious fear is understandable, and wanting to respect our parents is honourable, if we are going to learn about ourselves, and develop a healthy self-awareness as we go forward, it is imperative that we dare to risk looking into our past, and it is essential we let go of assuming that acknowledgment of our past is equal to blaming or dishonouring our parents. It is not. It is simply shedding light on why we have become who we are today. It is acknowledging that the child we once were, was wounded by her/his life experiences which impacted who we became as adults. And the good news is, we don’t have to remain stuck in this place.

I am not suggesting we do all this work on ourselves, by ourselves if it seems overwhelming. I also do not believe in confronting our parents; they did their best. We can confront the inner memory of our parents we carry inside us. To do this, at times we might need the help of a competent person to help us address some aspects of our emotional wounds. Healing can be a more or less long and arduous process depending on how much work we do on ourselves and how deeply we dig! But however we do it, we need to start by looking at our life through the prism of simple truth. We need to develop a taste for the truth about ourselves, and a determination to heal our wounds.

I had several reasons for seeking healing and wholeness. One of the strongest motivations was my children. I did not want to pass on to them the anger, frustration, negative self-image, poor coping skills, guilt, shame, sense of worthlessness, defense mechanism, etc., I had brought into my adulthood. I also wanted to help them heal whatever wounds I might have already caused in them. Wounding is generational. Without personal healing we can try to do better than our parents, but the risk that we will emotionally injure our own children is very high and probable. It is difficult to give to others what we never received ourselves. And it is difficult to not act out our triggers when we have no understanding of them. So my love for my four daughters was a strong motivator for me to do the work on myself I needed to do. And today I see the fruits of my efforts. They are four of the most beautiful, well-adjusted, wise, emotionally mature adults I know!

Going back to my own story, prior to my healing journey no matter how much I tried to change myself, I couldn’t.  All I really wanted was to be at peace, and to be liked. I think my rage occurred two to four times a year and in between rages I was a doormat and a pushover. I lived a permissive-parent role with my children. I was afraid to say no to them. I thought they would interpret my ‘no’ to mean I didn’t love them and they would stop loving me, which stirred up my deep fear of rejection. I did not know how to assert myself with anyone. I did not know how to be authentic and real. I was passive-aggressive. My behaviour hurt my children, my husband, and my sisters. I never dared to show my rage to friends, so they usually perceived me as easy-going and flexible, but very indecisive and somewhat pathetic. I didn’t know who I was or how to be. I felt empty, guilty, filled with shame, and unlovable. I was like an empty shell waiting for a sense of identity or personality I could claim as my own to fill my empty shell once and for all. I had a very deep desire to be a good person but did not believe I ever could be. I continued to gain weight and suffered bouts of terrible depression because I couldn’t control my weight. And all the while I wore my "I'm OK" mask.

I will stop here and continue my story at my next entry early in the New Year. I look forward to sharing how my healing process worked and the freedom and peace I found at the “end of the tunnel”, and the huge impact my healing had on all my relationships – especially my relationships with my daughters, and with myself, and how it led to the unfolding of a beautiful spirituality.

Please feel free to ask questions or make comments and share with me what you want to say. I look forward to reconnecting with you again. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Note: I have received several emails and Facebook messages from readers indicating they were unable to leave a comment as their comment just disappeared when they hit “Publish”.  This is disappointing for me and makes it difficult for readers to read what others say about my story. However I am working on a solution. Some people have been able to leave a comment when they logged in through a Google+ page and then typed the website in the search box at the top of their computer. Please let me know if you continue to have difficulties.

Part 2 of 3: Letters to My Sisters

Dear Sisters,

As I shared with you before, my role with Children’s Services was to investigate and assess reported allegations of child abuse/neglect. When talking with parents I always asked about their life growing up. Time and time again, once I heard a parent’s own childhood story it made me realize people don’t hurt their children because they are “bad parents” or stupid. People hurt their children because they are emotionally and psychologically wounded. When their wounds are triggered, they react. They don’t know how to change, or what else to do.

We all do the best we can with what we have. If we want to do things differently, if we want more harmony and peace in our relationships, if we want to have better coping skills when difficulties come along, we need first to understand our inner world and what happens inside us when difficulties arise and we are triggered.  We also need to heal our emotional/psychological wounds. And we need tools that really work to help us understand so that we can heal. When we master the tools, our life and our relationships change.  

During my own healing journey the first step toward understanding my inner world was when I learned about ‘disproportionate and recurrent reactions’ (drr). (See explanation below.) Understanding drr’s helped me understand why I felt and acted the way I did. I experienced great relief at this new learning because I realized I was not “just crazy” or bad. There were good reasons why I felt the way I did. This is not about excusing behaviour; it’s about understanding it. The first step toward changing is to understand why we feel and act the way we do.

A disproportionate and recurrent reaction (DRR) is a phenomenon of the sensibility which given similar circumstances, always reacts out of proportion to the circumstances that triggered it. These reactions can range from explosion, anger, aggressiveness or excitability on the one hand, to sadness, depression, dejection, flight, or even insensibility and suppression on the other.

- Persons and their growth: The anthropological and psychological foundations of PRH education, published by PRH-International (1997) p. 277.

It is important to note: The sensibility is one of five pivotal centres within the human person where feelings and emotions are experienced as sensations with psychological content, as opposed to purely physical sensations.

The nervous system acts somewhat like a “tape recorder”, keeping track of all the events of persons’ lifetime... The sensibility therefore plays a fundamental role in the process of self-knowledge because of its functions: to feel, to resonate, to transmit, record and reproduce messages.

- Persons and their growth p.100

We all have disproportionate and recurrent reactions.  We recognize our reaction is disproportionate in the face a person or event when strong, or painful emotions are triggered. When this happens we tend to either blame the other person for our feelings or put ourselves down for having these feelings. You’ve heard the saying, “She knows how to push my buttons!” We talk about people having ‘baggage’ and how their baggage causes problems for us. This tells us we all have disproportionate reactions at times to what others say or do, or to some event that we have difficulty responding to in an appropriate, balanced way.  We usually dislike ourselves or feel self-disappointment for over-reacting.

Some of us recognize that our reaction is disproportionate, but don’t know what to do about it; we feel we have no control at the time. We might notice these disproportionate reactions usually recur over and over under similar circumstances. Others are not aware their reaction is disproportionate and simply justify their reaction by blaming the other person and placing themselves in the role of a victim.  Some immediately suppress their feelings and withdraw into themselves. Suppression is a disproportionate reaction designed to protect us from experiencing feelings that threaten to overwhelm us. Suppression can sometimes be manifested in physical symptoms such as migraines, nausea, or stiffness in the jaw, neck and shoulders, etc.

Regardless of the way our DRR is manifested, in the privacy of our own mind we have a dialogue with our self about who we are.  And it is usually negative. We either tell ourselves “That’s just me, I have a short fuse” or we feel victimized, or we feel overwhelmed. Our reactions never help to resolve the problem and often make it worse.

We don’t have to have these outcomes. Disproportionate and recurring reactions, while understandable, are toxic. They poison our relationships and they poison our self-esteem. They can leave us feeling sad or depressed.  When our ensuing inner dialogue nurtures a negative self-image, nothing changes and we just settle into being the same person we were yesterday. Weeks, months, years go by and we haven’t changed much and our DRR’s continue. We settle into a less-than-satisfying way of living while we wear an “I’m OK” face for the world. Our emotional maturity is stunted and we are stuck. 

Up until I committed to my healing journey I used to have a great many disproportionate and recurring reactions! I was easily triggered. Mostly I lived a victim role – I was powerless and it was always someone else’s fault. I often felt misunderstood. I felt helpless, and I was unable to change myself or the other person.  I was afraid to address issues with others because I didn’t know how to do so without the risk of losing the others’ goodwill, friendship, or love. I believed if I disturbed the equilibrium of others I would not be liked, and I desperately needed to be liked. I didn’t realize it at the time but I had felt unloved, unwanted and rejected my whole life. I didn’t believe I was entitled to disturb anyone with my problems. I grew up believing I was a nuisance and a burden and I should not bother anyone.  I developed a habit of suppressing my feelings, storing them inside myself until a “last straw” event occurred, then I would explode in a rage.

As a child I repressed the outrage I felt about the humiliations and indignities I was forced to endure. I desperately needed to feel loved and I blamed myself for not being loveable, or even likeable. By the time I reached adolescence I held a deep belief that not only was I unlovable and a nuisance for existing, my body was not my own – my body belonged to someone else. All the rage I felt about that was repressed and I developed a strong dissociative mechanism in order to survive. I did not feel safe, not even in my own body. At the same time I dreaded rejection. Rejection felt like the annihilation of my soul. I didn’t speak up for myself. I carried all these buried, repressed feelings (my baggage) into adult life. As an adult my childhood memories were mere fragments and incomplete. I had relegated most of my memories to some unconscious, amnestic place inside me. The painful, repressed emotional wounds became my “buttons” – my triggers.

As an adult, a wife, and a mother, I always felt I had to please others. I did not know how to assert myself. I was a passive doormat. And as I said, something would happen that proved to be too much. It didn’t have to be something big – it was just “a last straw” event. I would burst into a rage (a very obvious disproportionate reaction!). I didn’t understand at the time that the “last straw” event was simply an event that triggered the rage I kept repressed for years. The “last straw” was more than my internal system could handle and a rage from deep inside would burst forth and spew out onto anyone who was in the way. 

During this time I had no conscious understanding of why I was so enraged. I was aware only of the immediate event – the trigger. I hated myself for it. I would berate myself so badly and feel terrible self-loathing. I would try desperately to escape these feelings and turned to food. I tried to numb myself. Food was my way to self-medicate. I tried to fill up a big emptiness inside. The emptiness was like a deep black hole of desolation and anguish and loneliness and self-loathing. My inner dialogue about how bad and utterly unlovable I was fed my very negative self-image. I believed there was something wrong with me.  

From there I would move into a phase of trying so hard to be different – trying to please everyone, trying to be agreeable, desperate to make amends for my rage. And once again I did not dare show displeasure or distaste for anything anyone said or did. I returned to my passive, doormat-victim role. I continued to numb myself with food. I was completely unaware of the root of my rage. I did not consciously remember a great deal of my childhood, but even if I had, I would not have made the connection between my rage and my past experiences.

I will stop Part 2 here and continue my story in my next letter to my sisters in two weeks time.

I have indicated several times that we need tools to help us heal but I haven’t explained what they are – I will talk about the tools soon. 

Please feel free to ask questions or make comments and share with me what you want to say. You don’t have to use your own name if you’d prefer anonymity. To leave a comment you have to log in under a Google+ page.  I look forward to reconnecting with you again, to share with you how I freed myself from my disproportionate and recurring reactions and my dysfunctional cycle of suppression-rage-suppression. Understanding it all was just the first step to finding myself.