Letters to My Sisters

My name is Maryalice O’Hagan. I had five sisters and one brother. We were born in Scotland, but grew up in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), Southern Africa. I lived there for 30 years before coming to Canada. Two of my sisters and my brother have passed away. I’m left with three very precious sisters. This blog is a reflection of some of my correspondence with my youngest sister J, and it’s what I would like to share with all three of them J, M and C.   J encouraged me to share my "Letters to My Sisters" with others. So here it is!

Part 1 of 3:

My Dear Sisters,  

Since retiring earlier this year I’ve noticed as the months pass that I’m feeling more relaxed, and the pace of my daily life is slowing down. Along with this slower pace comes a realization that I’m experiencing even more joy in my life than ever before. It’s a good feeling. Naturally, I have more time for reflection, and something keeps calling me. It’s an old aspiration to write. I’ve had it for a long time. As you all know we grew up in some very difficult situations. My experiences deeply affected who I became as I grew up. This aspiration to write about it and how I freed myself from it, and share it with you (and with my four daughters), has sat quietly inside me, waiting for me to slow down enough to begin to actualize the aspiration. I believe I have something of value to share.

As you know, when I came to Canada I became a Social Worker. I worked for almost fifteen years with Child & Family Services, and before that, several years at a shelter for women fleeing abusive relationships, and on the sexual assault centre crisis line. I’ve seen a lot of “life”!

In 1990 I started an intense healing and growth journey; it is ongoing to this day but a lot less intense now and focuses mostly on growth! I learned a lot about myself and about humans in general; how we function and why we function that way, and I believe I have something really valuable to share.  Listening to, and speaking with parents, teens, children, and couples, for years, has given me a sense there is an unspoken and sometimes even hidden desire that people carry with them – a desire to understand themselves better, a desire for acceptance and recognition, and a desire for inner peace and joy in their lives.

I had the same desire and as a result of my own journey I have come to understand who I am and why I act, think, and feel the way I do, and why I was locked into my dysfunctional ways of coping that caused conflict and disharmony in my relationships and a lot of sadness and depression in my life. I slowly came to realize a lot of what drove me to be the way I was, was a hidden desire to be liked … to be loved and to be accepted for who I am at the heart of myself. 

I really believe people want to do what is right but so often something gets in the way, something they don’t really understand and can’t identify, so they settle for a false belief about themselves that says, “that’s just me” or “that’s just who I am. I’ve always had a quick temper”, or “I don’t like conflict so I just close up and say nothing”.  I believe I can share insights and knowledge that could help people understand themselves better, and help them realize their maladjusted way of functioning is not “just who they are”. Who they are deep inside themselves is very beautiful, good, creative, and wise, and they can find ways to connect to their best selves, and come to understand “all the rest” in them has roots in their life experiences and they really can change what they don’t like.

I love helping people understand themselves better, because getting to know ourselves better is such an interesting and incredible journey!  I want to share tools that really work and that can help people make real progress if they want to work on themselves.  My desire is to write so readers “see” themselves in my writing.  I’m hoping it might awaken curiosity in persons to want to know more about themselves, which would slowly satisfy their deep desire for greater self-awareness and self-understanding, and ultimately lead to experiencing inner peace and joy that currently seems to elude them. 

There’s something very fundamental missing from the inner dialogue persons have about themselves. They judge themselves without really understanding who they are and why they do what they do.  I have to say, in the years I spent speaking with parents who were reported to be abusing their children, I never once met anyone who was just “a bad parent”. People don’t set out to hurt their children, even though children are indeed hurt by their parents, and as you will read in later blogs, my children were indeed hurt by me even though hurting them was the last thing I ever wanted to do. 

To keep this at a reasonable length, I will stop here and continue my story (part 2) at my next entry, in 2 weeks time. Until then, please feel free to ask questions or make comments if you wish. You don't have to use your own name if you prefer anonymity - just give me a name so I can address you. 

I look forward to re-connecting with you again, in Part 2, and ultimately to share with you what I learned from my own healing and growth journey, as well as from my experiences working with people as a social worker. My healing and growth journey literally transformed my life, and gave me the inner peace and joy that had eluded me before. It also awakened my spirituality in such a beautiful way!